(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
You Might Also Like
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring