Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]