How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
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When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?