hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser