“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe