if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!