Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Body by cheese-puffs.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Monday Lisa
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Dietest Coke
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]