My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
dutch so unserious
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.