If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel