You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
i- i did not expect this
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.