Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
You Might Also Like
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
what are they serving at kfc then???
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.