[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
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Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.