Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Going into Monday like
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….