It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Goodnight 🐶
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
crochet youtube is brutal
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.