Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Time heals everything 🙂
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…