on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The fall of Netflix
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times