America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
me adding lol on a serious message
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?