I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
wut hotdog?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.