I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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Go hard or stay average
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one