I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
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I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?