Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well