kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)