me: need a tissue?
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
the last thing a carrot sees
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Oh hi lol
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.