kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her