$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]