I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
japanese corn
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies