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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
He-man has a Masters degree
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea