Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?