[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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only 11 steps left
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Trumpy Cat
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer