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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
kids play hide and seek like
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
courtroom exchange of the day
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.