You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.