I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
this is the greatest thing ever
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!