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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
this is funnier than any friends episode
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring