Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.