*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
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I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”