A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out