If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
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No one: I can hear screaming
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Yes, this is exactly right
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.