i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
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when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Going into Monday like
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.