i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
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“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People