So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
#milo
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I was bored.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Brilliant!