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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Not messing around
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.