*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
You Might Also Like
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Haha good job!!
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.