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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.