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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Blew out my flip flop…
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DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.