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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed