When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
🙂🙃🥹
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.