I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine