The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.