Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
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I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.