Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably