I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.