in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
CRYING
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes