“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I can’t wait!
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
What my back needs
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*