Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Most fashion shows these days…
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”