*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
synchronized noseblowing
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My last name is Zilla.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.